A Dialogue

The year 2329. Two humans in ostentatiously futuristic garb are removing a 21st century human from a block of ice.

Future Human 1: “What is your name?”

21st Century Human: “Jake — what happened to me?!?”

Future Human 2: “You have been frozen for 300 years”

Jake: “Thanks for thawing me out — what are your names?”

FH1: “We have chosen names belonging to highly esteemed humans from the 20th century, to make you feel comfortable. You may call me ‘Adolf Hitler’ and my colleague ‘Josef Stalin’”.

FH2: “Do those names comfort you?”

Jake: “Not exactly…”

FH1 (to FH2): “Odd — my research indicates that the person depicted on his garment — ‘Che Guava’ I believe — was of a similar temperament to our namesakes.”

Jake (to himself): “Must be some cultural misunderstanding…”

FH2 (breaking an awkward silence): “You must be in need of nutrition”

Jake: “Yes! What’s on the menu?”

FH2: “My chef excels at preparing kitten — eaten live of course!”

Jake: “My sense of oneness with nature does not allow me to inflict such suffering on an innocent feline!”

FH2 (to FH1): “What is he talking about?”

FH1 (to FH2, chuckling): “Remember, Josef, 21st century humans had not yet mastered the ‘life force’ — Jake is without any protection from it.”

Jake: “What are you talking about? What’s the ‘life force’?”

FH1: “It is an emanation based on principles you would not comprehend, having an effect on the mind such as to produce the scruples you have evinced in respect of consuming juvenile examples of the crepuscular mammal known as Felis catus in a manner inflicting discomfort.”

FH2 (to FH1): “Adolf, it’s a myth that standards of vocabulary have declined in the last 300 years. Stop showing off.”

FH1: “In summary, the ‘life force’, which so many short sighted 21st century scientists scoffed at, is real, and produces a sense of connection with the rest of life and the universe which affects the mind’s perceptions of moral behaviour.”

FH2: “Fortunately, Jake, there were some people who did not dismiss the ‘life force’, and once science had confirmed its existence, we were able to control it. I can assure you that a widening of culinary practice has been the least of the changes which the removal of this effect has wrought on our society!”

Jake: “Now wait a minute — while I once believed in a life force such as you describe, a good friend (who incidentally was later elected first president of the planetary federation, and whose remains are preserved in a barrel of Johnny Walker Blue Label under Nelson’s Column) explained to me that it was impossible for a natural force to have such an effect on the mind!”

FH1 (sneering): “Really? And how did this primitive justify such an opinion?”

Jake: “It is well known that the phenomena of human consciousness appear only at a very high level in the brain’s structure, and are built on top of neural structures whose purpose cannot be discerned other than by correlating their activity to the expression of particular thoughts and emotions, so any force which influenced specific high level processes in a specific direction would need to be ‘aware’ of the structure of the human brain and mind to an implausible degree.”

FH1 (laughing heartily): “That argument is entirely correct! Perhaps your friend alone among 21st century humans possessed true intellect!”

FH1 (to FH2): “Despatch the recovery robots to the London glacier at once — this would be a prize beyond price — I only have 2 litres of Johnny Walker blue left.”

FH1 (to Jake): “Describe your friend’s personal hygiene? — anyway, despite that argument being completely correct, your friend suffered from a failure of the imagination.”

Jake: “So the life force does exist? But that’s implausible!”

FH1: “But you should start believing in implausible things once they have been proven to be true! Once the life force was proven to exist, we discovered it to be emanations from a device left by the alien race who created humanity, buried deep in the mantle of Earth. We speculate that it was designed as an ecological control to force humanity to coexist with other species.”

(Jake is speechless)

FH2: “Of course Adolf, the genetics of our tastebuds have proven more effective in persuading us to keep other species around!”

(FH1 and FH2 laugh and slap each other on the back)

FH1: “Once we had discovered the source, blocking it was an easy matter — let us assist you”

(FH2 produces what appears to be a conical tinfoil hat, already a part of their ostentatiously futuristic costumes, and places it upon Jake’s head)

FH1: “Is that better?”

Jake: “Well, I do feel a bit peckish.”

FH2: “Great!”

Jake: “Can we have some tabbies?”

FH2 (calling): “Fred… get some tabbies!”

One Comment

  1. Fred_Silmo
    Posted January 8, 2009 at 2:53 am | Permalink

    I dreamed today with the year 2329. Then googled it and found this… o.o

Post a Comment

Your email is never shared. Required fields are marked *